“I have a resting bitch face”, one of my coachees told me recently, “It’s a known fact.”
How DO you know you have a resting bitch face?
Who did you hear it from? Your workplace? Your school? Your community?
How did these people let you know? Did they tell you to your (bitch) face? Did they write you?
HOW MANY people?
This is not about a quantitative tally (although I’m always amused to hear about a RBF poll). Rather, it’s about being aware of one’s subjective experience of reality… as well as that of other’s.
You and I experience the world very differently. #dressgate showed us that this extends even to something as basic as the perception of color. People were shocked that we can see things in such different ways.
That applies to the way that you see yourself as well. It may – or may not – be the way that I see you.
It could be a long and dearly-held belief. Or a flaw that you KNOW you have. But in the sum total of my experience of you so far… it just doesn’t come across.
What we THINK we are broadcasting into the world, very often, is not what is picked up. Regardless of whether it was an intentional broadcast. This is a topic for another post, but suffice to say, we each have our own filters that changes the meaning of what we see, hear and feel.
If our goal is genuine self-work, then it may bring us some value to know how people experience us – not just our face, but our speech, our actions and our character overall. We’d want such feedback not so that we can change to please every single person we meet, but to have an indication of how others see us, compared to how we wish to be seen.
So even though it may not be common or the easiest of things to do, I make it a point to ask for feedback. Yes, feedback. No, not the sort where you sit in the center of a circle of people who throw criticism at you. Just simple, straightforward questions, such as:
“How did I do in that meeting?”
“I thought I was a little emotional earlier. How did I come across to you?”
“Generally, what sort of person do you think I am?”
Again, this is NOT for the sake of changing yourself to please everyone. It’s to add to your awareness that when you do [X], you could evoke [Y] in some people. Now that you have this information, you have new choices. With this info:
You can be grounded; i.e. you’re not acting on a self-deluding belief. You can now be more relevant to the people around you.
You can be free; i.e. you no longer need to be weighed down by a limiting belief. You need not worry or fear.
I see feedback almost as a shortcut to success, considering that most of modern life involves coordination with others.
I am aware that the topic of feedback is huge. Meanwhile, here is the book that has helped me the most, for giving and receiving feedback —> https://www.elleryng.com/book-review-thanks-for-the-feedback/
Let me know how feedback works for you!
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