You’ve got brilliant ideas, a passion for your work, and ambitions that stretch as far as the eye can see. But somehow, when it comes to sharing those ideas or asserting yourself in a meeting, you freeze up. If this sounds like you, you’re definitely not alone. In this article, I’ll highlight 5 ways how interpersonal skills are all about communication and confidence. You will get a glimpse of the factors that form your barriers to better interpersonal skills.
⚠️ Signs you need to build interpersonal skills
In my experience with clients from various levels of organizational hierachy, I hear what motivates them to build up their interpersonal skills at the workplace. The pain points I hear most often are:
① “People tell me they don’t understand what I’m trying to say.”
② “People say I’m beating around the bush, and asks me to ‘get to the point’.”
③ “People comment I’m too quiet, and tells me to speak up more.”
④ “People don’t acknowledge, or ignore my verbal contributions.”
⑤ “People say I’m too emotional, too harsh or too blunt.”
5 ways interpersonal skills are all about communication & confidence
① You have to repeat yourself a few times before you are understood
Does it feel exasperating and demoralising, having people ask you to repeat yourself before they finally understand you? Ineffective communication can create feelings of inadequecy. The issue isn’t just spending more time explaining – it’s also how it can evoke frustration. Fumbling for the right words, speaking in circles, or not making your point succinctly erodes the clarity of your message as well as your confidence.
Honing your communication skills can be a game-changer, saving both you and your listener from this exhausting cycle. A straightforward sentence can often accomplish what a paragraph couldn’t.
② Your mind goes blank when you try to speak
That awkward silence when your mind inexplicably goes blank can be a nightmare. It’s like your thoughts evaporate, leaving you grappling for something—anything—to say. This can arise from different reasons, such as not managing your attention effectively, or holding limiting beliefs about one’s own power and boundaries (this is why it’s called interpersonal skills). Techniques for calming your anxious mind can not also help you remember what you were going to say and to say it with more conviction.
I’ve found that many of these communication challenges exacerbate and overlap into one another. For instance, because your mind comes up blank, you try to cope by distracting your listeners with miniutia or irrelevant content. This in turn creates the impression that you are rambling (a common feedback I’ve heard from clients suffering a lack of interpersonal skills) and makes people tell you to ‘get to the point’. It’s a vicious cycle that can kill your confidence very quickly, if you don’t stop it.
③ You end up silent and not speak up
You’re in a discussion or presentation, and a thought or idea surfaces. It tugs at you, wanting to be shared, but you hesitate and opt for silence. This is the textbook case of a confidence issue mingling with a lack of communication skills. You question the value of your inputs and how people will react. This fear paralyzes you until the moment for speaking passes you by. Holding back might feel safer in the moment, but it stifles your growth and contribution in the long run.
Strengthening your confidence and communication skills can empower you to share your ideas without that struggle with doubt. Most people don’t realize there is a difference between having the correct answer and being confident. Being able to act from this awareness is especially important if you are seriously intent on securing a leadership role.
El helped me demystify what confidence means. He showed me it’s possible to not know things and still be humble and confident. This helped me a lot with in my job which required me to communicate in situations I found difficult.
Ellery helped me improve my confidence and communication skills.
I was easily overcome by anxiety. A simple but unexpected “Hello, how are you”, would spike my anxiety. I felt unprepared and had to ‘force’ myself to give a response.
After coaching with Ellery, I can pause and give myself space, distance myself from the problem, and let go of the anxiety. I can change and be calm, through self-awareness.
El helped me demystify what confidence means. I thought I needed to know everything, in order to be confident. He showed me it’s possible to not know things and still be humble and confident. He helped me to shift my mindset and attitude, and make this possible.
What I learnt from Ellery was tested in the first week of my new job and it really had an effect on me! I wasn’t nervous like I originally feared. In fact, a colleague mentioned she really likes my attitude of asking questions and being willing to learn!
Nowadays, when anxiety and self-doubt comes up for me, I can catch what’s true and what are merely assumptions. With this awareness, I can intervene on my emotions and actions, and get the sort of outcomes I prefer. This is different from the past, where I would remain stuck in a loop of self-criticism. I felt that Ellery coached me at the very fundamental level, so that the same principles work no matter what situations I’m in.
Besides my core issues, Ellery also coached me on effective communication skills, particularly when interacting in group settings. This helped me a lot with in my job which required me to communicate in situations I found difficult.
In every session, El equipped me with tools and tailored them to my needs. I learnt interventions that were both linguistic and somatic in nature. By being congruent in my thoughts and my body, I feel more safe and in control. My world became less scary. For me, this was truly freeing and liberating!
El is able to assess my situations from different angles, test out solutions, and iterate on the spot. Together, we adapted solutions to work in different situations and places, and even to make them covert!
I feel that El is deeply knowledgeable yet not overly theoretical, and he is passionate about the work we do together. He will be a superb coach if you’re looking for practical ways to resolve your anxiety and confidence issues.
④ You have trouble forming your sentences even though you have no speech impediments or lack of vocabulary
You have a more-than-adequate vocabulary but find yourself stumbling over simple sentences. Sometimes the enemy isn’t a lack of words but an overload of them. When this happens, some clients of mine attribute it to what they call ‘perfectionism’. While that might not be far from the truth, what’s significant is where we chose to focus on; what others think of us, or the larger objective. When you learn how to focus your attention, you can sharpen your thoughts. This bridges the gap between what you mean to say and what you actually say.
Again, this is another example of how one interpersonal difficulty can overlap with another and make things worse. When you slip into overthinking your words and what others think of you, you could be paralysed into inaction and stay silent. All you need is a few experiences like these to form a habitual fear against speaking up.
⑤ Your emotions (e.g. anxiety, fear, anger) get in the way of expressing yourself
You’re bursting to say something, but emotion wells up, forming an invisible barrier. Emotions can be a formidable obstacle to both communication and confidence. Or when you do speak up, it comes out as an outburst. People say you’re ‘harsh’, ‘blunt’ or difficult to work with.
The solution lies not in suppressing these emotions but in harnessing them. A deeper understanding of your emotional landscape can bolster your confidence and enhance your communication, making you not just heard, but deeply understood and respected.
I understand the domain of emotions is usually either abstract or intimidating for most people. For this reason, I usually use a somatic approach to quickly shift how you feel and think. This is both efficient and effective for long term mastery of your emotions.
My topic was on authentic communication. El provided experiments for me to speak from a grounded and authentic space. I knew about the importance of our bodies in shifting our emotional state, but never received such coaching in how to leverage this.
I had a great coaching session with Ellery. My topic was on authentic communication, and he provided interesting experiments for me to try out what body postures allowed me to speak from a grounded and authentic space. I knew about the importance of our bodies in shifting our emotional state, but never received such individualised coaching and guidance in how to leverage this.
Through the session, I also gained an important awareness around the key mindset/word that would anchor me in my intent, that has proven very helpful. Overall, Ellery clearly wants the best for his clients and he provided a safe and non-judgmental space for me to explore working towards my goals.
Interpersonal Skills Is A Superpower… That Can Be Learnt
By now, you should see how interpersonal skills are fundamentally about effective communication and healthy confidence. If you find yourself repeating points, going blank, staying silent, stumbling over words, or grappling with emotions, remember—you’re not alone and you’re not without hope. Interpersonal skills are NOT character traits, but skills that can be learned, honed, and mastered. Likewise, emotional mastery isn’t just something you are born with; it’s something you cultivate. Once you get the hang of managing your emotional energy, your interpersonal capabilities will increase.
On this change journey, you can wrestle with these challenges, learning through trial-and-error. Or, if you’re looking to avoid some of that unnecessary pain and accelerate your growth, you might consider some expert support. As a communication and confidence coach, I can provide you with tailored techniques to help you navigate the complexities of interpersonal interactions more efficiently. As Gregory Bateson said, “It takes TWO to know one”.
Your journey towards improved interpersonal skills will take conscious effort, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. The doors that better communication and confidence open for you are not just professional milestones but stepping stones to a more fulfilling life.
How coaching helps your interpersonal skills
Through personal coaching, you can improve your interpersonal skills. This is familiar territory I’ve visited with clients on over the years, as a full-time coach, specializing in interpersonal communication and confidence.
Every coaching engagement is unique, because each client has different needs, weaknesses and strengths. However, there are processes that unfold every single time:
- Through open exploration and in-depth reflection, we will uncover your blindspots.
- Once you can see the cause or nature of your issue, you might also be able to see how you can do things differently so you get different result.
- I can also guide you to try new ways of saying or doing things, that are effective and feel authentic for you.
- Together, we will co-create practices that you can adopt, to assimilate what you learn into your regular way of being.
- I will provide you with honest feedback which you can use to calibrate and fine-tune your new skills.
What coaching is
Coaching is a form of super-customised learning, focused solely on your needs. It is one of the most dignified forms of professional help, because you choose the topic, direction and depth of what you wish to work on.
In fact, my clients are NOT ‘broken’ in any way. They are capable, creative and self-initiated individuals who want to live out their full potential. Many of them are high-performers at their workplace.
They just want support to help them hit their objectives more quickly and with less pain.
If taking ownership of your growth appeals to you, coaching is might be suitable for you.
WhatsApp me now, to find out how you and I can work together on your communication and confidence.
"A good coach can change the game. A great coach can change a life."
~ John R. Wooden