When shit happens, what do you do?
More precisely, do you think you react? Or do you respond?
For some, there may not be an obvious difference between the two. But just entertain a quick linguistic experiment:
John reacted to the news that I shared.
John responded to the news that I shared.
Does it start to sound different? Which version of John would you prefer to interact with, based on this?
Here’s another linguistic example:
A chemical reaction occurs when you mix sodium with H2O.
Notice that in a reaction, there is a lack – or even absence – of choice?
The chemicals didn’t CHOOSE how to behave, or when to behave as they did. They started reacting as soon as they were mixed together.
Imagine a person reacting versus responding. What comes to mind? For me, I picture the person yelling or panicking, as opposed to speaking or asking questions in a composed manner.
Notice that in a response, there is choice. More choice than in a reaction, anyway.
Our leg jerks when the doctor, holding that little hammer, strikes our patellar tendon. This is a reflex. Do A → Get B. Do A again, you’ll get B again. No conscious thought required. No choice over it either! We are helpless over the movement of our leg.
No wonder “knee-jerk reaction” is commonly used to describe undesired, or even regrettable actions!
Contrast this with, say, Bruce Lee’s leg work. Every movement he makes with his leg is CHOSEN by him. He has choice over every aspect – where he wants his foot to strike, and how quickly. He can freeze his leg outstretched in mid air, if he wished. His ability to act on his choice is part of what makes him powerful.
In your daily interactions, are you acting from a place of power, or from a place of helplessness? That’s what we really mean when we question if we are reacting or responding.
Among the good people I coach, I hear the common wish to have more control over how their lives go. I see our lives as being made up of the numerous events we encounter. Some are big and dramatic while some are small and mundane. But each event influences our life, via the ways we respond – or react – to them. Here are some ways in which we can respond to events:
What you say in reply to your colleague.
The tone in which you said it.
Where you said it.
When you said it.
Your thoughts or feelings while you said it.
Your posture while you said it.
Your breathing pattern when you said. (yes, I’m serious)
Ellery! Aren’t you overthinking things??
Maybe ◡̈ But by breaking it down, can you also see the amount of choice that you possibly have in an ordinary, everyday conversation? You could have used any one of these factors to sway the situation in your favor.
How many of these factors do we consciously make use of? How many of these factors are we even aware of?
But Ellery, I’m not sure how I would be able to control some of these factors… it didn’t even imagine it’s possible!
I emphatize. It was like for me that as well, many years ago, before I began any form of self-work. And today, even as I continue working on myself, it’s not as if I am capable of being “response-only“. I have plenty of days when I react. But what’s definitely different is how I am able to exercise more choice over my actions (thoughts included). During times when I reacted more than I responded, I am aware, and I can – again – CHOOSE what to do next, in order to recover from my undesired reaction.
Accessing and exercising choice takes learning and practice. Just like how Bruce Lee needed teachers AND numerous hours of practice before he had new choices over how his legs moved.
But I assure you, as a fellow human being, that it is very possible. This is part of the work I do with my ontological coaching clients; we discover how to gain greater range of choice through not just how they speak and think, but in how they feel and move as well. The learning can be straightforward. But it takes a willingness to practice, practice and practice.
And it starts with awareness. Awareness gives you choice.
Choice, which you can act on in that space between stimulus and response.
There are enough things in life that you have no direct control over. How much choice are you exercising in the things which you CAN control?
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