Have you ever felt it was difficult to say or ask for something in a relationship? How to get more freedom in a (romantic) relationship? Not being able to freely express our thoughts and needs, and to change our minds (especially when we realize we’re wrong) leads us to feeling restricted in a relationship.

Why do some things seem okay to bring up in a relationship, while other things are not? Why am I feeling restricted in a relationship?

I explored these question with three different clients recently; all three of them came to me for coaching because they experienced similar pain in their romantic relationships. Each of their partners was repeatedly behaving in ways that upset or disappointed them. This made my clients wonder if it was okay to ask their respective partners to change – AGAIN. Each one of them experienced this tension enough times that they have started to wonder, “Is it me who’s being difficult? Am I allowed to ask for what I want?”

As usual, I led each client into deep exploration of their issues. It led us into examining the context of the relationship.

What I invited each person to be aware of was this: are you looking for an ideal life partner, or have you concluded this person to be your ideal life partner?

You see, this determines what you feel is okay and what’s not okay in your relationship.

The first client finds her freedom: looking

The first client said that she was looking for an ideal life partner. This meant that she is still assessing the person she’s with. “If you are still assessing him,” I asked, “would you continue to give him feedback on how he is faring?”

“Yes”, she answered, and realized that it was okay to express her needs truthfully to her boyfriend, even if it was for the umpteenth time. I went a little deeper, asking, “And what would it mean if, one day, you stopped giving feedback to your partner?”

A thoughtful look washed over her as she replied, “It’s either he has passed my assessment, or failed it.”

She went away from our coaching session with newfound freedom to ask for what she wanted.

The second client: concluded

The second client told me that he concluded his partner was ideal. So I tested this answer a little.

“How is it that you have concluded this person to be your ideal life partner,” I challenged, “and yet she has repeatedly done what you asked her not to do?”

He paused in silence.

“I guess she’s not who I concluded her to be. Or at least, I don’t know yet.”

“Would you like her to be the one?”

“Yes, of course!”

“How might you help increase the chances of her being the one?”

“To communicate more with her, so that she understands me better and better.”

With that, he too, found the freedom he needed to tell his partner what he wants.

And the third client seemed stumped

The third and remaining client, however, appeared stumped. Or at least, he still hadn’t indicated if he was looking or had he concluded.

Turns out, he was extremely disturbed, realizing that he had declared his ‘undying’ commitment to a girl whom he was, in actuality, still assessing. He then told me about some of the admirable, romantic but obviously premature promises he exchanged with her – this felt conclusive to him. This was the source of his pain; this ‘conclusive’ context he had set up in the relationship was preventing him from giving feedback regarding his needs. He felt he had no right to bring up how she upset him because ‘she was already supposed to be the one’. He was unhappy and yet he felt he couldn’t do anything about it.

“What should I do?” he asked me, with slight panic in his voice.

“What needs to be taken care of?” I replied, as compassionately as I could.

Over the remaining time of that coaching session, I supported him as he rehearsed himself to reset and reshape the context of his relationship with his girlfriend. One that allowed both parties freedom to express themselves to one another constructively. One that was more congruent with the inherent assessing nature of their courtship.

“I can still be committed to her,” he learned, “without jumping to conclusions!”

The context of a relationship shapes your freedom

Although these stories feature romantic relationships, I think they are great illustrations of how we come to perceive restriction AND how we can get more freedom in relationships, in general. If you experience difficulty in communicating your thoughts or asking for what you want, it may be useful to examine the context of your relationship, for a hint of the sort of boundaries you are operating in.

A couple in courtship has the context of at least one or both parties assessing the other, so why should feedback be withheld? Logically, there should be little to no boundaries here. But when my clients were not clear of this, they acted as if there were. Pain is created. For them, communication remains as something complex.

Yet from another angle, the same couple could also be showing only their best sides to the other party, so boundaries are expected. For instance, the majority of people would not fart openly the first time they went out with a prospective suitor. The minority might, but then they would likely be intruding the boundaries of the other party. Pain is created again.

When you practice seeing the context of other types of relationships – parent/child, employer/employee, teacher/student, business/customer, etc – you can get a feel of where the boundaries are, and thus what could be causing the pain of restriction. From there, you can determine what you are willing and/or able to shift, in order to get more freedom in your relationship.