Expanding the Space
“There is a space between stimulus and response.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
(commonly attributed to)
Victor E. Frankl
This quote has had a big impact on the work that I do with my clients, as well as my self-work. “Expand the space” is one of my oft-used shorthands today.
I remember years ago, when my ‘space’ was but a tiny gap. On bad days, my objections would burst out of my mouth before the other party’s sentence was finished. On good days, I would be proud that I “controlled myself” in a conversation – a conversation in which I was barely present, as my mind was busy making predictions about what the other person might say or do.
And in (the numerous) moments when things did not go as I predicted, I was thrown off-guard. I could only react – baselessly and carelessly, hoping that a bit of what I threw out might hit the target. When it didn’t, I often got frustrated or offended, which I think was the most damaging part.
The needless suffering I caused myself and the person interacting with me… all because I was not aware of the space I had to stop and choose my next action.
Not everything has to be fast. Nobody said I had to respond at reflexive speeds. I wrongfully equated immediacy with strength.
Today, this notion of immediacy and reflexive behavior is even more relevant. The way we react to the notifications of new emails or new social media posts have trained us like Pavlov’s dog – to react to stimulus without conscious thought.
This has influenced our physical interactions as well.
I see people drop everything to tend to their devices when they beep. Or, they tell the person in front of them, “Please continue, I’m still listening” as they tap and scroll on the screen in their hands.
I honestly don’t know which is worse.
Today, my coaching work often traverses this topic. Not device-addiction per se, but how some of my clients tend to react instead of respond in their daily interactions. The ensuing suffering they tell me about is not at all unlike what I experienced in my untrained years.
It is no coincidence that our quote of the day features the word ‘response’, and ‘to choose’. It’s entirely different from the notion of reaction.
‘Choose’ is obviously the verb form of ‘choice’, which is what we get to access when we (are able to) slow things down. This is what the ‘space’ in our quote refers to. A pause between the other party’s words, and our next words. Space to assess where we now are, where we wish to go next, and what’s the next step we can take to get us there.
A practice of “expanding the space” is what I support many of my clients with. It is straightforward to understand AND yes, it takes work.
I will share more about such practices in my upcoming posts.
Lastly, enjoy the fun little companion visual I crafted for this article:
0 Comments