The Courage to be Disliked
by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Virtually the entire book takes the form of a dialogue between two people, which made it easy to read. It also made the ideas easier to understand, as the two characters raise and clarify many of the questions a reader might have.
Apparently, the book was written this way to mirror the dialogues through which the Greek philosopher Socrates engaged young people in learning. What is not lost on me is how this easy read contains some pretty heavy stuff.
I’ll share some of it here in my largely non-spoiler manner.
My curiosity about the book came from the fact that it was apparently already well-known in Japan, and subsequently throughout the region.
Once I started reading it, it held my interest and kept me speed-reading — mainly because it was easy to read, and secondly, because I was keen to discover what new ideas it would introduce and how they fit (or did not) with my practice as an ontological-Gestalt coach.
Ideas From The Courage to be Disliked That Resonated With Me
Some of the book’s propositions that resonated with me, or which I thought were elegantly explained, include:
1. All problems are interpersonal problems. Much of our suffering arises from how we perceive ourselves in relation to other people. This naturally caught my attention because interpersonal communication is central to my coaching work.
2. There is a distinction between a feeling of inferiority and an inferiority complex. One of them can be healthy and useful, while the other may keep us stuck.
3. We need to distinguish whose task something is. For example, not wanting to be disliked is probably my task. Whether a particular person actually dislikes me is the other person’s task.
4. The book considers the entire human being. It does not work only with logic and intellect. Emotion, thought, relationships, culture and other human inclinations are part of the picture.
5. Its focus is on the here and now. Instead of allowing particular events from the past to determine our present possibilities, it asks what we are choosing and creating now.
6. As fellow human beings, we walk on the same ground. Some people may be further ahead than others, but we are still standing on the same ground. This differs from the stereotypical picture of people clamouring up a narrow ladder, each fighting to stand above everyone else.
Ideas I Found More Difficult
Some propositions were more difficult for me to accept, or which I felt I would need to experience and examine for myself:
1. The rejection of trauma and the past as reasons for diminished possibilities. I think this might be better understood as: “It is not only what happened, but how it was resolved and the meaning we now give it”.
Nevertheless, this can still be extremely difficult to accept, depending on one’s experiences and training around trauma. If I ever introduced such a proposition to a client, it would have to be with a heap of compassion — and with both of us sitting on a mountain of trust.
2. The proposition that, when dealing with others, one should neither rebuke nor praise them.
3. The idea that we derive our sense of belonging to a community through a feeling of contribution.
My Overarching Thoughts
The Courage to be Disliked is really a collection of intriguing propositions that come together to form a congruent way of seeing and being.
This “way” is based on a school of psychology pioneered by the Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler. Adler was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, but his ideas ran counter to Freud’s in several important ways. The differences are covered sufficiently in the book.
For me, some of its ideas were not completely new. At least, I had already encountered them under different names and through different frameworks.
I would not be surprised if much of what I have studied had also been influenced by Adlerian psychology. After all, as King Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”
But I do not mean that as a dismissal of the book’s impact.
Sometimes, it takes a different author or teacher to describe the same thing in a slightly different way before we are truly able to grasp it. This happened to me many times while reading the book.
Did reading this book add something to my life?
Definitely.
But how much “courage to be disliked” did I gain from reading it? How would it change the way I live and help others?
Updated in August 2026:
I originally wrote this review in March 2020. Six years later, I have a more grounded answer to the question with which I ended it.
What Does “The Courage to be Disliked” Look Like in Real Life?
Understanding the book’s ideas intellectually is one thing.
Living them when you need to disagree with your boss, say no to an unreasonable request, set a boundary or express an unpopular view is another matter entirely.
The book’s title might sound as though the answer is simply to stop caring what people think. That is not how I understand it today, after coaching numerous executives to cultivate the kind of courage the book suggests.
The objective is not to become indifferent to other people or oblivious to the impact of your words. It is to stop making their approval a compulsory condition for expressing yourself honestly.
And that requires more than intellectual understanding.
It requires the capacity to remain present when you know that someone might disagree with, judge or feel disappointed by you.
Understanding Courage Is Easier Than Embodying It
A person may understand perfectly well that they cannot control what other people think—and still become paralysed when they need to speak.
I see this frequently in capable professionals.
You may have something valuable to contribute during a meeting, but questions begin running through your mind:
What if I’m wrong?
What if I sound foolish?
What if my boss thinks I’m being difficult?
What if I offend someone?
You keep refining the sentence silently in your head, looking for a version that nobody could possibly object to.
By the time you are ready, the discussion has moved on.
You either remain silent or express such a heavily qualified version of your point that its meaning and impact disappear.
This is how the fear of being disliked can become a communication problem.
Separating Your Task From the Other Person’s Task
The book’s idea of separating tasks becomes especially useful here.
Your task may be to:
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- Think responsibly about what you want to communicate
- Express your position clearly
- Choose an appropriate time and manner
- Listen to the other person’s perspective
- Remain respectful when there is disagreement
- Correct yourself if you discover that you were wrong
The other person’s task includes how they ultimately interpret your message, whether they agree with it and whether they approve of you.
You can influence their response through skilful and considerate communication—but you cannot completely control it.
When you try to take responsibility for both your message and the other person’s reaction, you may become trapped in overthinking, people-pleasing and silence.
Having Courage Does Not Mean Becoming Blunt
There is an important balance here.
Ignoring other people’s reactions is not necessarily courage. Sometimes, it is simply a lack of interpersonal awareness.
The capacity to speak without requiring universal approval should not become permission to communicate harshly or thoughtlessly.
Mature courage includes both:
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- The confidence to express what needs to be expressed
- The interpersonal sensitivity to consider how it might be received
This is the territory between passivity and aggression: being able to assert yourself while remaining in relationship with the other person.
Why Insight Alone May Not Change Your Communication
You can know all of this and still find yourself unable to act when the moment arrives.
That is because the fear of judgment does not exist only as an idea in your head.
Your chest may tighten. Your breathing may become shallow. Your throat may constrict. Your body may shrink or brace itself. Meanwhile, your mind races ahead, imagining everything that could go wrong.
By the time you speak, your body, emotions and thoughts may already be working together to silence you.
This is why my ontological approach to communication and confidence works with the whole person — not only the words you should say, but also the emotional and physical patterns shaping who you become under pressure.
It increases your capacity to remain grounded, clear and connected while delivering your message.
How Fear of Being Disliked May Be Affecting You
This pattern may be present if you frequently:
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- Remain silent during group discussions despite having something useful to contribute
- Overthink how to phrase a request or disagreement
- Soften your message until your actual position is unclear
- Avoid difficult conversations and hope the problem resolves itself
- Struggle to say no or set appropriate boundaries
- Feel responsible for managing everybody else’s emotions
- Ramble or over-explain because you are trying to prevent misunderstanding
- Suppress your frustration until it eventually emerges too forcefully
One of my clients later described being able to “access my courage to voice out what I want… without worrying what other people think about me”.
To me, that is a practical expression of the book’s central idea.
It is finding our freedom, away from other people’s approval, to communicate honestly while retaining our care and respect for them.
I discovered how to say “No” in a way that felt powerful yet safe to express. It was quite an emotional breakthrough for me. I understood that I have a voice and I can use it to do what I needed.
Ellery helped me create major positive shifts in my relationships. He supported me in reclaiming the freedom and personal dignity that comes from having healthy boundaries.
I’ve had a past of saying “Yes” to others and causing damage to myself. In my career, I took on more than I can do, because I was unable to say “No”. I also had difficulty communicating my own thoughts and needs, and silently accepted the contrary opinions of others. As a result, the people in my life experienced outbursts of resentment from me. To them, it came out of nowhere. But for me, it was bottling up for a long time. In this way, I would cycle through anxiety, anger and guilt. I knew I could communicate better, but just didn’t know how.
Through an ad, I chanced upon Ellery and decided to take action. I didn’t know what to expect, but he quickly made me feel at ease. Through artful exploration, Ellery helped me to understand how the way I carry myself affects how others view me. He also helped me to uncover blindspots in the way that I communicate. I was able to see what was missing in my relationships – things that I could do and say to take care of myself, but didn’t.
Most memorable for me, was when I discovered how to say “No”, in a way that felt powerful yet safe to express. It was quite an emotional breakthrough for me. I understood that I have a voice and I can use it to do what I needed to do for myself and be heard.
The effects in my life were real! I was able to protect myself from resentment and burnout at work. I was able to push back unreasonable requests and unwanted opinions without feeling defensive and angry. At home, the communication with my husband became more open, allowing us to be better partners in parenting.
I can now ask for what I need without damaging relationships; there is ease and peace.
The work that Ellery does is profound, because he goes deep beyond the surface. He can help you to take control of your emotions, and unlock your ability to do what you wish to do.
If you want to greatly improve your communication, relationships and confidence, Ellery is your coach. He has both the empathy and expertise to help you.
If Your Courage Disappears During Conversations
If you understand what you ought to say but still overthink, soften your position or remain silent when the moment arrives, the challenge may go deeper than finding the right words.
I help professionals work through the emotional, physical and interpersonal patterns that prevent them from speaking clearly and confidently — especially during meetings, difficult conversations and high-stakes workplace interactions.
The aim is to help you become more assertive without becoming abrasive, express your needs without abandoning the relationship, and remain grounded even when someone may disagree with you.