Fraud Blocker 3 Insights For Better Interpersonal Communication

At some point, we have all suffered because of miscommunication. Unless we can peer behind the veil and see why interpersonal communication can be complex, we will keep getting the same painful results in our interactions, such as in public speaking, presentations and group discussions. As a communication coach, this is the reality I dive into with my clients on a daily basis. In this article, I’ll offer 3 insights that can start to make your interpersonal communication a little better.

interpersonal communication is more of an interpretive art than a science

“I don’t know why they would think that. I already explained it very clearly.”

“Why does it always end up like this when we try to talk?”

“I can’t understand why he got so worked up, when that’s not what I meant.”

One way to appreciate why interpersonal communication can be complex is this: what we say isn’t necessarily what is received. It doesn’t work like a digital transmission, where input = output.

Tip 1: Be Aware of Your Filters

We are not just listening with our ears. We are also listening through our filters. Filters are like lenses on a pair of glasses. Look through red-tinted lenses and everything will appear red.

“But I don’t have filters”, you might say, “I make sure to listen objectively!”

Realistically, filters are a part of how we operate. It’s extremely hard to separate your filters from yourself because… your filters are what makes you you.

precieving through our filters is like looking through tinted glasses

Think about your character. Do you have tastes and preferences? Do you have beliefs and values? If so, you have filters! Even a judge, who is supposed to make objective decisions, is doing so based on their own understanding and experience of the world! Thus, it would not be amiss to say that our filters are how we perceive and make sense of the world.

we each think speak and listen through our personal filters

For example, when asked for a solution, you might think:

B works, C doesn’t work. So I think B is the way out.

But why would you think B works? Because you have filtered out C based on YOUR experiences. Is there a possibility that someone else with different experiences would have filtered out B instead?

Yes, we actively filter when we are making decisions. Our filters are also at work passively, in every task we do. If we didn’t learn to filter, we would be overwhelmed by what our five basic senses pick up! This is why a 2 year-old gets distracted by everything in her environment, but the same stuff captivating her is invisible to you. Filtering is how we decide what to do, and how to do it.

How does all this help improve your interpersonal communication? Start by being aware of your filters – and that your listeners have filters as well. A healthy, functioning human being picks up and makes sense of numerous nuances in communication. If this sounds overwhelming, the simplest thing you can do is to always give the benefit of the doubt.

Tip 2: Give The Benefit of The Doubt, ‘Coz We’re All Interpreting

Choose the most generous interpretation of what you hear. Choose to be curious about how the other party saw and heard you. I promise that this one change is the opening to more effective interpersonal communication, and less pain.

Hearing is not the same as understanding.

one big problem in interpersonal communication is thinking that we speak and listen in verbatim

You hear the sounds words that come from the speaker. But to truly understand, you need to make meaning of what you heard. We filter the language and sometimes individual words. We also filter the speaker’s meaning and intentions. We filter their tone of voice. Their body language. Understanding happens as a result of filtering – what to accept and what to ignore. So even on the best days, a good listener is doing A LOT of filtering.

Therefore, don’t be shocked, disappointed or offended the next time you discover that there was a ‘miscommunication’ in your conversations. No matter how eloquent you are, don’t fall under the illusion that you are conveying 100% of your message, all of the time. Similarly, don’t assume that you are receiving a 100% of the speaker’s message.

A message was filtered when it was sent, and will be filtered again when received. Thus, our conversations are more like interpretations.

Choose the most generous interpretation of what you hear. Choose to be curious about how the other party saw and heard you.  I promise you: this one change is the opening to more effective interpersonal communication, and less pain.  Hearing is not the same as understanding. You hear the sounds words that come from the speaker. But to truly understand, you need to make meaning of what you heard, and not to mention, what you saw as well. So in a way, a good listener is doing A LOT of filtering, for the sake of understanding the speaker. We filter the language and sometimes individual words. We also filter the speaker’s meaning and intentions. We filter their tone of voice. Their body language. Understanding happens as a result of filtering – when we decide what is being conveyed and what is not… what to accept and what to ignore.  Therefore, don’t be shocked, disappointed or offended the next time you discover that there was a ‘miscommunication’ in your conversations. No matter how eloquent you are, don’t fall under the illusion that you are conveying 100% of your message. And no matter how good of a listener you think you are, don’t assume that you are receiving a 100% pure version of the speaker’s message.  A message was filtered when it was sent, and will be filtered again when received. Thus, our conversations are more like interpretations.  Being able to see that we’re interpreting one another’s interpretations can help us to give the benefit of the doubt, especially in high-stakes or sensitive conversations. When both parties are more generous with each other, there is quite literally more space to navigate, don’t you think?

Being able to see that we’re interpreting one another’s interpretations can help us to give the benefit of the doubt, especially in high-stakes or sensitive conversations. When both parties are more generous with each other, there is quite literally more space to navigate, don’t you think?

a change of perspective helped to ease interpersonal communication
good interpersonal communication skills can be learnt

Tip 3: Moods Are Filters Too

One of my clients was experiencing lots of difficulty communicating with his spouse, despite claiming to be an extremely clear communicator. He would state his intentions plainly, and structure his content logically. But his spouse would respond in (what he describes as) a defensive manner. The conversation will quickly devolve into an argument, and then she would withdraw and clam up.

interpersonal communication issues cause real emotion pain

This pattern in their communication drove him crazy; it was highly frustrating and demoralizing for him. He had dissected their interactions in his mind countless times but saw nothing that he could have done differently. For the sake of his marriage, he decided to get my help to flush out the blindspots in his interpersonal communication.

His openness to get help and his willingness to learn paid off. After we unpacked his experiences, he realized that he had been approaching his spouse for discussions at times and in places where it was difficult for her to respond productively. For instance, he often brought up an important conversation her at the end of a long day, after she had spent all her energy taking care of the family. On a number of occasions, he had even tried to initiate discussions with her in the car… WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING!

what also affects the quality of conversation is to consider where you are having it

Can you describe the filters at work in these instances? For me, I name them as moods. At the end of a long day of taking care of the family, what kind of mood do you think his spouse would be in?

And how might being side by side in a car affect the mood of the conversation? Especially when it’s much more difficult to maintain eye-contact between speaker and listener? And the most obvious consideration – what mood do you think the spouse might be in, while trying to navigate end-of-day, peak traffic?

Look through red-tinted lenses and everything will appear red.

Hui Ling | Singapore

Nowadays, when anxiety and self-doubt comes up for me, I can catch what’s true and what are merely assumptions. With this awareness, I can intervene on my emotions and actions, and get the sort of outcomes I prefer.

Ellery helped me improve my confidence and communication skills.

I was easily overcome by anxiety. After coaching with Ellery, I can pause and give myself space, distance myself from the problem, and let go of the anxiety. I can change and be calm, through self-awareness.

What I learnt from Ellery was tested in the first week of my new job and it really had an effect on me! I wasn’t nervous like I originally feared. In fact, a colleague mentioned she really likes my attitude of asking questions and being willing to learn!

Nowadays, when anxiety and self-doubt comes up for me, I can catch what’s true and what are merely assumptions. With this awareness, I can intervene on my emotions and actions, and get the sort of outcomes I prefer. This is different from the past, where I would remain stuck in a loop of self-criticism. I felt that Ellery coached me at the very fundamental level, so that the same principles work no matter what situations I’m in.

Besides my core issues, Ellery also coached me on effective communication skills, particularly when interacting in group settings. This helped me a lot with in my job which required me to communicate in situations I found difficult.

In every session, El equipped me with tools and tailored them to my needs. I learnt interventions that were both linguistic and somatic in nature. By being congruent in my thoughts and my body, I feel more safe and in control. My world became less scary.

The most significant revelation for me is that I have control over my body, and my body can shift my mind. With this, I know I can be in control of my own feelings, whenever I’m aware and want to. For me, this was truly freeing and liberating!

El is able to assess my situations from different angles, test out solutions, and iterate on the spot. Together, we adapted solutions to work in different situations and places, and even to make them covert!

Ellery will be a superb coach if you’re looking for practical ways to resolve your anxiety and confidence issues.

Our Interpersonal Communication Improves When We Can See How We See

Anaïs Nin said, “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”. Imagine how my client’s messages were being filtered by his spouse, in those situations.

On one hand, my client was amazed that I could help him uncover this big blindspot. And on the other hand, he was incredulous that he was unable to spot such a ‘seemingly obvious’ mistake in the first place. I suggested that he shouldn’t be so shocked; there is a reason why we call them blindspots. And this is why getting help on your interpersonal communication can be so powerful – it can save us from the unnecessary pain and wasted time spent being stuck in our own limited perspectives.

a communication coach can help us out of the blindspots that keep sabotaging our interpersonal communication

Coaching for effective interpersonal communication can help us to see the filters through which we receive messages. When communication works well, it can be near invisible – we aren’t conscious about it. But when it breaks down, it can create much frustration and heartache. As a communication and confidence coach in Singapore, this is top reason why most of my clients started work with me. They decided they’ve had enough of going round and round in circles for the interpersonal issues problems with colleagues, friends and loved ones. And in all such communication cases, the fundamental way I help them is by making visible the filters that are present in the way they think, speak and listen.

How coaching helps your interpersonal communication skills

Vikram Ramankutty

“I’m able to be more assertive in my requests to my colleagues & managers. And I’ve been able to adopt a more relaxed stance to issues at work.”

Sherilyn Tan

“Ellery helped me to realize that I can change the tone of communication… I could definitely see the results after a few months of coaching. Now, I am able to regulate myself better as well as handle tough sitations with a clearer mind.

Vannessa Toh

My friend told me I have changed alot – from negative, defensive communication to positive, and are able to look things at different perspectives. This also helps in my work when communicating with clients and colleagues.”

Marlene Gonçlaves

“I actually felt a difference in my posture & its positive consequences, either in myself or in the communication with others.”

Meena Kumaree

I discovered how to say ‘No’, in a way that felt powerful yet safe to express. It was quite an emotional breakthrough for me. I understood that I have a voice & I can use it… If you want to greatly improve your communication, relationships and confidence, Ellery is your coach.”

Vivien Tai

“My topic was on authentic communication, and he provided experiments for me to speak from a grounded and authentic space. I knew about the importance of our bodies in shifting our emotional state, but never received such individualised coaching and guidance in how to leverage this.”

Aaron Mossadeg

“I feel a lot more at peace with myself; I’m more confident in myself, I know that I’ll figure things out even when things get messy.”

Andy Yeo

I gained more value than I expected. They have manifested in my business, my relationship with my loved ones & in the relationship with myself.”

Rachel Wan

“Working with Ellery was highly worth the investment as I gained so many tools I can use for a lifetime & I have been freed in many ways.”

Daniel Whisby

Ellery is a master of his craft. It is clear that he is able to help people from all walks of life… After, I was able to use my body to control my moods & emotions.”

Simran Kaur Sidhu

“Extremely insightful. By talking through some of my own self doubts, why i felt a certain way and practicing a simple exercise, i was able to gain a better understanding of how i was my own barrier and take away concrete next steps.”

Felicia Andes

“I can see the improvement in my communication & relationship with my loved ones & I am closer to them again.”

Michelle Trisno

“El has helped me figure out these blind spots… I’m able to make my needs known to others, thus making my communication a lot better. I am able to give better clarity to those around me as well, both in work and personal relationships. That opens up a lot of potential and confidence in myself.”

Through personal coaching, you can improve your interpersonal communication skills. This is familiar territory I’ve visited with clients on over the years, as a full-time coach, specializing in communication and confidence.

Every coaching engagement is unique, because each client has different needs, weaknesses and strengths. However, there are processes that unfold every single time:

  • Through open exploration and in-depth reflection, we will uncover your blindspots.
  • Once you can see the cause or nature of your issue, you might also be able to see how you can do things differently so you get different result.
  • I can also guide you to try new ways of saying or doing things, that are effective and feel authentic for you.
  • Together, we will co-create practices that you can adopt, to assimilate what you learn into your regular way of being.
  • I will provide you with honest feedback which you can use to calibrate and fine-tune your new skills.

What coaching is

Coaching is a form of super-customised learning, focused solely on your needs. It is one of the most dignified forms of professional help, because you choose the topic, direction and depth of what you wish to work on.

In fact, my clients are NOT ‘broken’ in any way. They are capable, creative and self-initiated individuals who want to live out their full potential. Many of them are high-performers at their workplace.

They just want support to help them hit their objectives more quickly and with less pain.

If taking ownership of your growth appeals to you, coaching is might be suitable for you.

WhatsApp me now, to find out how you and I can work together on your communication and confidence.

"A good coach can change the game. A great coach can change a life."

~ John R. Wooden