3 Insights For Better Interpersonal Communication

At some point, we have all suffered because of miscommunication. Unless we can peer behind the veil and see why interpersonal communication can be complex, we will keep getting the same painful results in our interactions, such as in public speaking, presentations and group discussions. As a communication coach, this is the reality I dive into with my clients on a daily basis. In this article, I’ll offer 3 insights that can start to make your interpersonal communication a little better.

“I don’t know why they would think that. I already explained it very clearly.”

“Why does it always end up like this when we try to talk?”

“I can’t understand why he got so worked up, when that’s not what I meant.”

One way to appreciate why interpersonal communication can be complex is this: what we say isn’t necessarily what is received. It doesn’t work like a digital transmission, where input = output.

Tip 1: Be Aware of Your Filters

We are not just listening with our ears. We are also listening through our filters. Filters are like lenses on a pair of glasses. Look through red-tinted lenses and everything will appear red.

“But I don’t have filters”, you might say, “I make sure to listen objectively!”

Realistically, filters are a part of how we operate. It’s extremely hard to separate your filters from yourself because… your filters are what makes you you.

Think about your character. Do you have tastes and preferences? Do you have beliefs and values? If so, you have filters! Even a judge, who is supposed to make objective decisions, is doing so based on their own understanding and experience of the world! Thus, it would not be amiss to say that our filters are how we perceive and make sense of the world.

For example, when asked for a solution, you might think:

B works, C doesn’t work. So I think B is the way out.

But why would you think B works? Because you have filtered out C based on YOUR experiences. Is there a possibility that someone else with different experiences would have filtered out B instead?

Yes, we actively filter when we are making decisions. Our filters are also at work passively, in every task we do. If we didn’t learn to filter, we would be overwhelmed by what our five basic senses pick up! This is why a 2 year-old gets distracted by everything in her environment, but the same stuff captivating her is invisible to you. Filtering is how we decide what to do, and how to do it.

How does all this help improve your interpersonal communication? Start by being aware of your filters – and that your listeners have filters as well. A healthy, functioning human being picks up and makes sense of numerous nuances in communication. If this sounds overwhelming, the simplest thing you can do is to always give the benefit of the doubt.

Tip 2: Give the Benefit of the Doubt, ‘Coz We’re All Interpreting

Choose the most generous interpretation of what you hear. Choose to be curious about how the other party saw and heard you. I promise that this one change is the opening to more effective interpersonal communication, and less pain.

Hearing is not the same as understanding.

You hear the sounds words that come from the speaker. But to truly understand, you need to make meaning of what you heard. We filter the language and sometimes individual words. We also filter the speaker’s meaning and intentions. We filter their tone of voice. Their body language. Understanding happens as a result of filtering – what to accept and what to ignore. So even on the best days, a good listener is doing A LOT of filtering.

Therefore, don’t be shocked, disappointed or offended the next time you discover that there was a ‘miscommunication’ in your conversations. No matter how eloquent you are, don’t fall under the illusion that you are conveying 100% of your message, all of the time. Similarly, don’t assume that you are receiving a 100% of the speaker’s message.

A message was filtered when it was sent, and will be filtered again when received. Thus, our conversations are more like interpretations.

Being able to see that we’re interpreting one another’s interpretations can help us to give the benefit of the doubt, especially in high-stakes or sensitive conversations. When both parties are more generous with each other, there is quite literally more space to navigate, don’t you think?

Tip 3: Moods Are Filters Too

One of my clients was experiencing lots of difficulty communicating with his spouse, despite claiming to be an extremely clear communicator. He would state his intentions plainly, and structure his content logically. But his spouse would respond in (what he describes as) a defensive manner. The conversation will quickly devolve into an argument, and then she would withdraw and clam up.

This pattern in their communication drove him crazy; it was highly frustrating and demoralizing for him. He had dissected their interactions in his mind countless times but saw nothing that he could have done differently. For the sake of his marriage, he decided to get my help to flush out the blindspots in his interpersonal communication.

His openness to get help and his willingness to learn paid off. After we unpacked his experiences, he realized that he had been approaching his spouse for discussions at times and in places where it was difficult for her to respond productively. For instance, he often brought up an important conversation her at the end of a long day, after she had spent all her energy taking care of the family. On a number of occasions, he had even tried to initiate discussions with her in the car… WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING!

Can you describe the filters at work in these instances? For me, I name them as moods. At the end of a long day of taking care of the family, what kind of mood do you think his spouse would be in?

And how might being side by side in a car affect the mood of the conversation? Especially when it’s much more difficult to maintain eye-contact between speaker and listener? And the most obvious consideration – what mood do you think the spouse might be in, while trying to navigate end-of-day, peak traffic?

Look through red-tinted lenses and everything will appear red.

Sherilyn | Singapore

“Ellery helped me to realize that I can change the tone of communication… I could definitely see the results after a few months of coaching. Now, I am able to regulate myself better as well as handle tough sitations with a clearer mind.“

Our Interpersonal Communication Improves When We Can See How We See

Anaïs Nin said, “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”. Imagine how my client’s messages were being filtered by his spouse, in those situations.

On one hand, my client was amazed that I could help him uncover this big blindspot. And on the other hand, he was incredulous that he was unable to spot such a ‘seemingly obvious’ mistake in the first place. I suggested that he shouldn’t be so shocked; there is a reason why we call them blindspots. And this is why getting help on your interpersonal communication can be so powerful – it can save us from the unnecessary pain and wasted time spent being stuck in our own limited perspectives.

Coaching for effective interpersonal communication can help us to see the filters through which we receive messages. When communication works well, it can be near invisible – we aren’t conscious about it. But when it breaks down, it can create much frustration and heartache. As a communication and confidence coach in Singapore, this is top reason why most of my clients started work with me. They decided they’ve had enough of going round and round in circles for the interpersonal issues problems with colleagues, friends and loved ones. And in all such communication cases, the fundamental way I help them is by making visible the filters that are present in the way they think, speak and listen.

How coaching helps your interpersonal communication skills

Through personal coaching, you can improve your interpersonal communication skills. This is familiar territory I’ve visited with clients on over the years, as a full-time coach, specializing in communication and confidence.

Every coaching engagement is unique, because each client has different needs, weaknesses and strengths. However, there are processes that unfold every single time:

• Through open exploration and in-depth reflection, we will uncover your blindspots.
• Once you can see the cause or nature of your issue, you might also be able to see how you can do things differently so you get different result.
• I can also guide you to try new ways of saying or doing things, that are effective and feel authentic for you.
• Together, we will co-create practices that you can adopt, to assimilate what you learn into your regular way of being.
• I will provide you with honest feedback which you can use to calibrate and fine-tune your new skills.

What coaching is

Coaching is a form of super-customised learning, focused solely on your needs. It is one of the most dignified forms of professional help, because you choose the topic, direction and depth of what you wish to work on.

In fact, my clients are NOT ‘broken’ in any way. They are capable, creative and self-initiated individuals who want to live out their full potential. Many of them are high-performers at their workplace.

They just want support to help them hit their objectives more quickly and with less pain.

If taking ownership of your growth appeals to you, coaching is might be suitable for you.

WhatsApp me now, to find out how you and I can work together on your communication and confidence.